Pre Soaps

Pre-Soap Awards

So it’s two days to go until the Soap Awards and this year I’m not taking any chances. There will be no fake tan, no ‘experimental’ haircut, and DEFINITELY no push-up competitions at 3am in the hotel bar.

Last year it all went a bit wrong. I decided that ‘pale and interesting’ was, in fact, ‘pale and ugly’ and gave in to the temptation of Make-Up’s fake tan booth. And thus spent an unhappy afternoon wearing my pj's and flipflops in the office, trying not to touch the keyboard, scripts or look in the mirror. I also thought it was a great idea to completely change my hair colour to black with streaks of crimson - and try a blunt new fringe - the night before the awards. I recall catching a freakish glimpse of a little brown berry in a shop window, topped with a Jessie J black fringe, as I walked to my car. I consoled myself that it couldn’t really look that bad, it must be the light!

I got home and went into my sister’s room to gauge her reation. Alana, otherwise known as ‘The Most Honest Person I Know' peered at me for several minutes before asking incredulously, ‘Are you wearing a wig?’

Yeah. It wasn’t the lighting.

Anyway, what I really want to discuss is Very Important and Radical. Ground-breaking stuff for the Retail/ Hospitality Industry.  It is this: before anyone is permitted to use a till or serve customers in a restaurant, they should be made to learn the basic rules of tact and diplomacy. Namely -  not implying that people are fat or ugly. Sounds pretty basic right? Not so…

Example A Monday lunchtime in M&S. My stunning friend Sophie and I were shopping for some food, she’d just been served and was waiting for me. The guy serving us was this ageing rocker with long hair - he’s a little weird. (In no way a disclaimer for what I’m about to relate). Anyway, Sophie had just had her hair cut and dyed and was looking even more gorgeous than normal. When the bloke served me he inclined his head towards Sophie and said, ‘Is she a model?’ So I said, ‘No’ and he said, ‘Well she should be. Don’t tell her I said that. Well, do tell her, but not right now… Just tell her’. I said, ‘OK’ thinking ‘OK, I get it, you love my friend, now just scan my Fuller for Longer salad through please and I can go….’ There was a pause and then he added generously ‘You’re not so bad yourself. Try and please everyone, I do’. 

WTF?!!! ‘Not so bad yourself’?! Well thank you, Mr Sex God. I’ll be writing that in my diary to keep me nice and warm!

Example B My 20 week pregnant friend was in the gym last week, waiting at reception. The guy behind reception took a look at her (obviously) baby-filled belly, and asked her if she had thought about trying the Sculptress Diet Protein Dink – for safe, effective weight loss.

Again, WTF? Even if you think someone is just fat, surely you NEVER EVER suggest a diet plan to them? OR mention that they may need vitamins for their pregnancy - when in fact they just have an overly large coat on?

Speaking of which, why do waiters always assume I want Diet Coke, or a Skinny Latte…..

Example C I went for dinner in The Mailbox last weekend, and ordered a few sides to share with my friend. When the waitress brought them over I recognised her from when she used to work with my sister a few years ago, but I’m pretty certain she didn’t remember me. As she was handing them out she said, ‘Pesto vegetables?’ and I said ‘Me’… followed by ‘Minted greens?’ so I had to admit they were for me again. At which point she exclaimed, ‘Ooh what a little Piggy Wiggy!’

Er, is it just me, or is completely unacceptable to call a paying customer a 'Little Piggy Wiggy'? Even if said customer is, indeed, a little bit on the greedy side?

Final thought for the weekend:

Overheard at the BBC

A taxidermy owl, positioned in a tree as a prop, was attacked during the lunch hour by an angry magpie. “Hi, I’m calling from the BBC. I’m sorry, there’s no easy way to say this – your owl has been violated.”