THE SOBER LIFE

I have to a confession to make. When I made my decision on January 1^st to give up alcohol for 2020, I had no idea that 2 weeks later I would be made redundant or that a deadly virus would sweep the globe causing the entire world to go into lockdown for an indefinite period of time.

To be honest, had I known then what I know now, I might have thought twice about giving up my Friday night The Botanist with Fever Tree (Elderflower).

But here we are. Newly Freelance. In Lockdown. In the midst of a Global Pandemic. Completely Sober (102 days – but who’s counting?).

In a way, getting sober in January prepared me for lockdown because I suddenly realised how much more time you have when you’re sober, plus you get way more bored. I have read many blogs and listened to many podcasts now on the sober life and here’s a real fact about not drinking: you will be way more bored than you ever imagined possible, because you now have more time to fill and you are stone cold sober for every single second of it. Hence my newfound ability to cut my own fringe and make my own mayonnaise and blue cheese ranch dressing. As, no doubt, you will have just observed - the important things in life.

But you know what has really saved me from going completely insane in sobriety and self-isolation? Apart from Tiger King (obvs)? Drum roll please… MAFS: Australia.

For the uninitiated, MAFS is Married At First Sight. The premise is that a couple are set up by The Experts, they meet for the first timeS at the altar in front of their friends and family, and are then “fast tracked” through married life over a period of 8 weeks, at which point they then decide if that want to renew their vows. It’s manipulative, it’s formulaic, it’s painful to watch, it’s car-crash reality TV at its best. In short, it’s brilliant and everyone needs to get on board with it because at over an hour duration each episode - and 30+ episodes available – it will help you to survive lockdown (with or without wine). Even better is that fact that everyone has Australian accents. Despite having now lived in the Southern Hemisphere for almost 8 years, I still find the Aussie accent completely entertaining. Must be the Neighbours effect (which, did you know, is still going? Who the hell is still watching it? Add to lockdown list: must find out who standard Neighbours watcher is).

The best part is genuinely the parents-in-law. I have a sneaking suspicion that the producers actually cast the wives and grooms based on how batsh*t crazy their mothers are – there is nothing like watching a personal trainer groom (Seb) get grilled by a mother (Lizzie’s) who looks like she belongs in an episode of Secret Hoarders. You might think that coming from the BBC I would be a snob for “real British drama” but you, my naïve friend, would be wrong. This is genuinely the best drama I’ve seen in years. You can keep your Bodyguard and Apple Tree Yard, I’ll take Steve freaking out over Mishel trying to get him to kayak in 10cm of water any day.

I would like to leave you with my own personal experience of lockdown in New Zealand. I know that for many of you, you are in lockdown with your husbands or wives and trying to homeschool your children, but how would you feel about being in lockdown with a complete stranger, who literally moved in on the first day of lockdown?

Picture the scene: it’s Monday night. 8pm. The country has just been told it’s about to go into lockdown for 28 days and I have somehow locked myself out of my phone. I’m already in a heightened state of panic because who knows if I can get my goddamn phone fixed tomorrow before all of the shops close for 4 weeks? Plus I spent the afternoon wandering around the supermarket in a complete daze, stocking up on fettucine, toilet roll and cannellini beans and wondering if $180 is too much to shell out for a milk frother because can I cope without an almond latte for 28 days?... So I’m trying to calm myself down with a lovely escapist episode of MAFS (see above) when there is a knock at the door. I open it, and recognise the guy – he comes to my GRIT class and he’s also a friend of the owner. So I say, Oh hey, are you here to see Glen? And the reply is, No, I’m moving in! Did he not tell you?

No. He didn’t.

For all of my instructor friends out there – you know those members who come to your class every week and you really should know their name but you don’t know their name and now it’s waaaaaaaay too late to ask and normally it wouldn’t matter because you only see them for 30 minutes once a week which means you can totally get away with calling them “mate”?

Yeah. That member just moved in with you. And they are totally expecting you to know their name.

I was on the brink of picking a name and just saying it with confidence and hoping that if it wasn’t right he would correct me (my Dad’s tried and tested formula with many a forgotten acquaintance) but luckily after three days he mentioned it in a sentence.

NICK.

Luckily, I was sober enough to remember it.