Pencil Me In

Living with a 25 year old boy is enlightening. He and his other 25 year old boy friends have conversations that go something like this "why didn't you come and talk to those French girls with me?", "because they were f&*%ing ugly", "no... one was hot..."

I've had a bit of a hiatus from the old blog. Partly because someone told me that they found my writing 'mortifying' (which sent me scuttling into the naughty corner to have a long hard think about my attitude. Too many mentions of the vajajay?); partly because I decided to come off Tinder and thus reduced my inspiration by roughly 85%; and (in no small part) due to sheer, unadulterated laziness. But inspiration is restored! My landlord has put our rent up by $250 per week, the cat and I have started a diet, and the UK X Factor has started again. Ergo - lots of things to bitch about and idiots on telly to mock. Happy days!

And I've decided that, if you find my writing mortifying, feel free to JUST NOT READ IT. Spend your Sunday reading something that won't offend your delicate disposition. I hear The Cat in the Hat is a worthwhile hour.

Onto more important things... this year's X Factor is proving worth its weight in comedy gold. It's the first year this has been broadcast on NZ TV - hence my (no doubt over-proportionate) joy. I've been dining off the hilarity of 2 fat girls named 'Bun 'n' Cheese' since 2008. In fact, if my sister is trying to cheer me up, all she needs to say is - in a forlorn tone of voice  - "Bye Bun 'n' Cheese", the girls' final words as they were given a unanimous "no" from the judges.

Anyway, this year it's not the contestants that are proving hilarious, but the judges. From Cheryl Fernandez-Tapas-Italy telling a bloke that his performance was "absolutely spellbounding" to Rita Ora saying "you just proved that you can't read a book by its cover"... Simon Cowell spends most of the time looking like he wished he'd asked for GCSE results before picking the panel. And everybody in New Zealand is baffled by the presence of Nick Grimshaw. Nobody here knows who he is, and explaining that he's that bloke off Radio 1 doesn't really explain what qualifies him to find the next Harry Styles.

So yes, the cat and I have decided to go on a diet. Well, obviously SHE didn't decide: the vet told me that Kitten Kathy is looking on the larger side and I needed to curb her appetite. And let's face it, Fitness Professional With Morbidly Obese Cat isn't really the look I'm going for. For my part, I started reading a book on living sugar free and realised that I'm probably eating about 10 times the recommended sugar intake per day... I read chapter 5 this morning 'get a breakfast routine' and promptly headed to the bakery for my chocolate almond danish. It's all going fantastically well. My best friend did once tell me that, whilst she has serious concerns about my developing Type II diabetes somewhere down the track, sugar is "a fundamental part of your personality. I'm not sure who you'd be without it". It's not unlike Samson and his hair. I might be captured by the Philistines and put to work grinding grain having had my eyes gouged out.

I better keep a look out for sneaky women called Delilah.

Let's talk about commitment-flakes. Call me old-fashioned, but I miss the days before mobile phones and the internet when you MADE A PLAN AND STUCK TO IT. The advent of technology has enabled many great advances for mankind, including the opportunity to change plans right up until the last minute. (Don't get me wrong: I am as guilty of flaking out and running late and changing plans as the next person. I reserve my hypocritical right to complain about it). It's not just that technology allows us to contact people to change plans, it's that it gives us so many more choices as to what we can do with our time. When my sister was leaving Barcelona in August, she was trying to make plans to see as many people as possible. A text message conversation went something like this:

FRIEND: I'd love to see you before you leave. Are you free Saturday night for dinner?
SISTER: yes sounds great!
FRIEND: OK I'll get back to you.
SISTER: You'll get back to me? Weren't you the one that suggested it?
FRIEND: Yes but I feel like you need confirmation, and I can't give that to you right now.

This is when somebody is LEAVING THE COUNTRY, POSSIBLY NEVER COMING BACK, and her friend can't commit to a simple Saturday night dinner. What is wrong with the world?!!

Speaking of commitment, I'm hoping to update my blog next weekend.

Unless I get a better offer.

Perhaps just pencil me in.