The Israeli Cardigan

Revelation #17: Forgetting Sarah Marshall has completely ruined Cheerios for me forever. I realise the severity of this allegation, and I don't take this standpoint against one of the world's best-loved breakfast foods lightly. However, today I decided I am doing NOTHING. It's almost 12pm and I've not even showered yet. I don't think this has happened since 2003. In the spirit of chilling out I decided to have two bowls of Cheerios. Yes, I know how to break out. Anyway, somehow the second bowl turned three (what the hell do they put in those bad boys?) and it brought to mind that scene where Jason Segel is slobbing on the couch, eating Cheerios out of a gigantic mixing bowl, and I had a vision of my future in which my beautiful girlfriend (played by someone less annoying than Kristen Bell) will leave me for Russell Brand. And I'll have to go to Honolulu and perform some mortifying dance in a grass skirt. All of a sudden, breakfast had taken an unexpected ugly turn.

Of course, there are several differences between my life and the movie. For one thing, I'm pretty sure that Jason Segel is significantly taller than me. And I don't have a girlfriend (played by Kristen Bell). Or, in fact, have lesbionic inclinations. A fact belied by my welcome each morning by The Gay Frog, "good morning my little lesbian friend!"

(sigh)

Whilst we are talking about The Office, let's chat about The Israeli Cardigan. Israeli Cardigan is a 7 foot giant of a man, with the waistline of Kate Moss. The other day he waltzed into the office in his knee length black shorts (about the length of my legs) and picked up a suspiciously feminine-looking grey cardigan. He draped it over himself - it almost grazed the top of his knees. I want to say that it also had frills, but that's probably just my little camp imagination getting ahead of itself. He paused, looked down at himself and pronounced, in a thick Israeli accent: " I think I should put some jeans on. I think I look homeless".

Or ready to be sectioned. You know, either-or.

I told The Physiotherapist that I have to come the conclusion that, in life, most people are kind but boring. He looked astounded and replied "you think most people are kind? I think most people are utterly wrapped up in themselves, bordering on being complete and utter sociopaths". Oh right. I have since revised my theory to conclude that most people are weird, but it's that weirdness that makes life worth living. They''re everywhere, these acts of irregularity. Like the member who didn't want to leave the gym at closing time, so he hid from the gym instructors and ended up being locked in. He would have still been there in the morning if it wasn't for the unassuming cleaner who heard the THUMP THUMP of his solitary footsteps on the treadmill at 3am. Then there's Anne - the mad Scottish 70-something year old, who washes her clothes in the gym shower at 945pm. I once walked through the circuit room to find her determinedly marching away on the cross trainer, completely alone, whilst Daft Punk's "I'm up all night to get lucky" incongrouslu cheered her on. And Mikey told me about one of his customers at the cafe, Patricia, who greets the staff each day with "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Teeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaammmmmm" and, no matter how many times it occurs, is continuously delighted and surprised to discover that she can have her muffin toasted.

Overheard at The Mill

How to insult 2 employees in one easy sentence:

MANAGER: Hey Sarah, are you like (the Cheerleader), you don't have a life either?

It's not often I'm lost for words.