The Secret Farmer

So let's talk about farming. Or, to be more precise, let's talk about how it's turned out that all New Zealanders are, in fact, secret farmers. It's been very confusing, living in Auckland, getting to know so-called 'Aucklanders'. It's a bit like London i.e. nobody is really from here. They TELL you they're from Auckland, they fox you into thinking they're City Mice, and then one day, in the middle of a convo about Paleo muffins, they casually say, "yeah, well, growing up on the farm blah blah blah..." and completely throw you with their knowledge of lanolin. You know how in England it's safe to assume that everyone has, at one stage or another, fallen asleep in the kebab shop? Well, same goes for New Zealanders. They've all, at some point in childhood, branded a cow. This to the point that, during a recent GRIT class, the instructor told everyone to pump their arms "like you're milking a cow". And apparently this wasn't a weird cue to use - everyone duly worked harder. Can you imagine saying that to a class at Fitness4Less in Smethwick?

Mmmmm hmmmm. I didn't think so.

I have a smart phone, yay.... Or (more accurately) I have a fuck-I-now-have-to-figure-out-what-the-hell-it-does phone... I am a sneaking suspicion that said smart phone is, in fact, considerably smarter than its owner, and could, if it put its evil little smart brain to it, take over the world. It could definitely find the missing Malaysia Airwaves flight 370. In fact it's probably behind its disappearance. It's a Samsung Galaxy 4S which Seth in Vodafone assured me is "awesome". (Of course he did, he's a phone salesman working in New Zealand). I actually felt reasonably knowledgeable and empowered at the point of sale. I nodded with confidence when he talked to me about WHATSAPP and Spotify. We shared banter over iPhone keyboards and text alerts. I felt strong, I felt powerful, I felt 21st century: yes, YES LITTLE SMART PHONE! TOGETHER WE CAN DO THIS!

Then I realised that the user guide is 147 pages. Or, more accurately, Deepthi found it for me and told me, "do you know you have a user guide on here? It's all online". Of course it is. I feel like the book reader who is being forced to use a Kindle against her will. In fairness I like the bigger screen. And the fact that I can now phone someone for more than 2 minutes without my credit running out. But, let's be honest. Now that I have SEVEN ways that people can communicate with me (Whatsapp, Facebook messenger, Facebook, Viber, texting, Gmail, Hotmail) are more people contacting me? Of course they're not. As far as I can see, the main advantage so far is that I can send people stickers of excitable looking cats. Or a grumpy teenager called Violet. And it's such a waste of time to be constantly checking them all (and NO, I don't really understand how to turn on my notifications. That should be self-evident). Do you remember that scene in 'He's Just Not that into You' when Drew Barrymore's character bewails her many channels of communication?

"I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work, and so I called him at home, and he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting."

Yep. Pretty much. And Smart Phone has also turned me into one of those awful people whose phones go off in the middle of a very quiet theatre monologue because I don't understand how to turn it off. And I kicked the feet of a disabled man in a wheelchair as I was racing to get out of the theatre because I was so mortified by its magical rainbow sounding text alerts. I really hope God is sympathetic to Android-owner-morons.

So I was going to conclude with a little piece on missing home and watching Coro (yes, I now call it Coro) when I'm feeling nostalgic for the UK but then I opened Ovarian Gossip (you know what I mean) and read the following, incredible, stop-press news:

In an exciting twist to The Big Reunion 2014, we introduce the super group 5th Story.

The new band, formed of solo artists Dane Bowers, Kenzie, Kavana, Gareth Gates and Adam Rickitt will see the members bring unique insights into the fickle world of fame.

Will this be the start of something special, or will rivalries destroy them before they begin?

Is anyone else really REALLY excited about this? The last time I saw Dane Bowers he was duetting with Victoria Beckham and True Steppers on the classic 'Out of Your Mind' - I remember this because I emulated her outfit at the time: black PVC handkerchief top, pink sunglasses. (We were practically twins, except, of course, mine was from Topshop). And Adam Rickitt has had quite the enviable career - Nick Tilsley on the tiles; naked in a perspex box; some bloke on Shortland Street; a cover on our local magazine Edgbaston News circa 2012, talking about saving the animals; and now he's in the hopefully dubbed 'super group' 5th Story.

Never let it be said that ITV writers don't have a sense of humour.

Overheard on the Gym Floor

Me: You'll be pleased to hear I got my period.

Gay PT: I've had my period 24/7 for the last 32 years. I've been an uninhabitable womb my entire life.

Aw.....