Don't Take on the Americans

Don’t take on the Americans

So I’ve discovered why Coke is the most universally understood word on the globe. It’s not because it’s the world’s favourite drink – it’s because it’s very easy to understand. Whereas, apparently, the word ‘water’ is not. I have tried to order water several times in American restaurants, and the conversation generally goes something like this:

Me: Please can I have a water?

Waitress: I’m sorry?

Me: Water?

Waitress: (IMMENSE CONFUSION) War-ter??

Me: Yes, a waaaar-ter?

At this point generally one of my cousins interjects to explain I want a ‘waaaaah-da’. And then everyone looks relieved and the waitress flees before I can ask for tomatoes or yoghurt. Hence why I tend to suffer from dehydration whenever I leave the UK for too long.

After careful consideration I think I can say I have had 5 really terrible hangovers in my life. Depending on how long you’ve know me you may recall the 3 day hangover I had in Tenerife, where I was left throwing up into the vegetable bin from our fridge after downing straight vodka on our first night. I didn’t even make it out to the bar. (Particularly proud of that one). Or perhaps you’ll recall New Year’s Eve of the millennium – also my 19^th birthday – when at exactly midnight I was stretchered into an ambulance and taken to hospital. I was eventually pushed out in a wheelchair, by my parents, in the early hours of the new century, after being given oxygen. If you work with me on Doctors you will probably think of the wrap party I organised, the one which resulted in me flashing my pants to the world as I was carried out of the bar. That’s the same party at which one of the runners projectile vomited onto the back of the bar’s general manager and then asked our executive producer if he was a taxi driver. The epitome of class, BBC parties.

So the common theme in these events is that (a) I’m a total lightweight and obviously my Irish blood is being dominated by my Jewish genes (did you know that Jews can’t handle their alcohol? Apparently it’s all to do with the gene ADH2*2 – true story) and (b) I always forget to eat. Which is admittedly surprising, given how much I can usually put away in a few hours. Anyway, my 5^th horrendous hangover occurred a couple of weeks ago in the states, when I stupidly tried to keep up with Irish Americans.

There’s nothing like walking sober into a room full of drunken Americans to make you feel like an Uptight English Bitch. This is what I’m blaming my subsequent enthusiasm for drinking games upon (have you tried ‘Flip Cup’? My advice: Don’t) and extreme enthusiasm for beverages I don’t usually touch (Quadruple Blueberry Stoli blended with blueberries, strawberries and lemonade? Hell yeah!) And thus, even though I switched to water at 10pm (obviously I had to ask someone else to order it for me – I made some new best friends at the bar of ‘Daddy’s’), I was still throwing up at 10am the next day. Nice. My sister found me lying on the floor of my bedroom, pathetically licking the salt off pretzel crisps and trying to keep down a glass of ginger ale at midday on Sunday.

And to think, some people my age are mothers.

You’ll be pleased to hear that the Snow Leopard bikini went down a storm. I think I managed to suitably embarrass all my family on the beach at some point. I was also told by my sister that my belly button piercing is “so 1996”, and my Nokia 2810 was named a “Zack Morris” phone by my American cousin: “is that the phone you use in Britain? Really?!!”

Consider yourself judged.

The Hull Times Police Log

For those unfamiliar with small town America, the local newspaper lists all the police reports for the last week. This is what people call 911 for in Hull:

Sunday 6/3: 1:02am Newport Rd. Officer reports that a vehicle is covered in some type of pudding substance. Owner notified and doesn’t want to do anything…. 8:55am Newport Rd. caller reports that someone put salad dressing all over her car. Officer on location for photos and reports ranch dressing and some other type of food item on the vehicle. Photos taken….

Tuesday 6/5: 4:34 pm. Nantasket Ave. Elderly female did not answer the door today for lunch. O/ Mahoney reports speaking to the resident, who states she was out for the day and everything is fine.

Sunday 8/ 19: 4:04pm X St. 13 year-old male, possible autistic, is trying to get into houses in the area of Beach Ave. Last seen headed towards the point.  O/ Mercer reports out with the youth. His parents are on the beach and he will be attempting to locate them. O/ Mercer reports that the youth is with an uncle and neighbour. He has just been running around the beach having fun….

Wish you worked for the Hull Police Dept?