Life Without Cake

A Brave New World

So I don’t think it’s too melodramatic to say that studying nutrition has ruined my life. And when I say life, I mean eating cake. Last night I got in and was tired and thought ‘ooooh, I really fancy a hot chocolate and some French baguette with butter and jam’. However, my nutrition/ PT Head screamed ‘STOP!! What are you thinking, you idiot? The carbohydrates and sucrose are going to send your blood sugar sky high, releasing insulin and putting you at risk of developing Type 2 Diabetes. That simple carbohydrate jam is going to get immediately stored as fat. White baguettes are high GI and again are going to cause release of insulin – which is going to turn your body into the ultimate storage device. Basically you are eating lard on a plate. You may as well just inject the fat into your stomach, cause that’s where it’s going to end up. Putting you at future risk of CHD, strokes and heart attack’.

So I had salmon and peas instead. Omega 3 and low GI carbohydrate. Do you see what I have become?!!!

My eating fears have been only exacerbated by reading an article on the BBC news site about the UK’s fattest man – who weighs 40 stone. Do you know what the headline was? ‘Food has ruined my life’. Not exactly true is it, Chub? Food has enabled you to live – you just decided to eat the whole cake. If you need some motivation to diet, I suggest you take a look at his photo. It put me right off my almond croissant.

On the subject of headlines, this week I have also read about ‘Popcorn Lung’ (a real condition, apparently) and, my favourite headline so far: ‘Cat goes for flea bath, is accidentally euthanised’. Oh my god. Apparently the owner had signed the euthanasia papers, thinking they were registration forms:

Reportedly, staff had asked him if he wanted to keep the bodies, which was when realization set in of what had happened to Lady.

"He asked me if I wanted to keep the bodies," says Conway. "It was like a blank stare back at each other for the first 10 seconds, then he immediately grabbed the papers I thought were registration forms and told me I had signed the papers."

What’s the moral of this story? READ THE SMALLPRINT BEFORE YOU SIGN!! IT MAY MENTION DEATH!! And possibly avoid all veterinarians in the greater Boston area.

Yesterday I had my regular meeting in the kitchen with Creepy Security Guard. I feel a bit mean calling him that, but he is. Ever since he told me that I had looked nice at our Christmas party a few years back: ‘You were wearing those high heels weren’t you?’.... Anyway, I seem to always manage to time my afternoon cup of tea to coincide with his break. This is definitely not on purpose. At least, not on my part. It doesn’t seem to matter if I move it forward or back half an hour – there he is. Of course I never bump into any hot actors or camera men in the kitchen, EVER. But Creepy Security Guard? Every freaking day.

Anyway, he said ‘you and me again Sarah’. And I replied, cringing as I said it, ‘Oooh yes, people will start to talk’. He then commented, ‘we should run away together, like that teacher and the schoolgirl.’ As I was contemplating my reply to that one, he added, ‘are you like me? Rooting for them?’ This left me a bit stumped, because the teacher is 30 and the girl is 15 and I’m not really ‘rooting’ for a possible paedophile. So I came up with, ‘Er……’ as he went on, ‘They’re a bit like Bonnie and Clyde aren’t they? You hope they don’t get caught?’ Right. Bonnie and Clyde, the homicidal lovers who went on a killing spree across America. I’m fairly certain, had I been alive in 1933, I would have been on the side of the law. Call me square, but I’d kind of prefer that my potential future murderer was behind bars. But perhaps that’s just me.

The Office Gay has been reminiscing about his favourite actor’s names. The winner? ‘Fiston’. When this unfortunate guy was filming with us, the joy the crew took joy in saying ‘Fiston in Make-up’. ‘You’ll be getting Fiston in about 5 minutes’. ‘They’re getting Fiston in the office right now’…. It really is the joke that keeps on giving. Poor old Fiston.

OVERHEARD AT THE BBC

ME: I’m just enjoying a Kitkat.

OFFICE SARCASTIC: Did you slip a few fingers inside you?

ME: No.

[PAUSE]

ME: Cause I’m on my period.

(Sorry).

Don't Take on the Americans

Don’t take on the Americans

So I’ve discovered why Coke is the most universally understood word on the globe. It’s not because it’s the world’s favourite drink – it’s because it’s very easy to understand. Whereas, apparently, the word ‘water’ is not. I have tried to order water several times in American restaurants, and the conversation generally goes something like this:

Me: Please can I have a water?

Waitress: I’m sorry?

Me: Water?

Waitress: (IMMENSE CONFUSION) War-ter??

Me: Yes, a waaaar-ter?

At this point generally one of my cousins interjects to explain I want a ‘waaaaah-da’. And then everyone looks relieved and the waitress flees before I can ask for tomatoes or yoghurt. Hence why I tend to suffer from dehydration whenever I leave the UK for too long.

After careful consideration I think I can say I have had 5 really terrible hangovers in my life. Depending on how long you’ve know me you may recall the 3 day hangover I had in Tenerife, where I was left throwing up into the vegetable bin from our fridge after downing straight vodka on our first night. I didn’t even make it out to the bar. (Particularly proud of that one). Or perhaps you’ll recall New Year’s Eve of the millennium – also my 19^th birthday – when at exactly midnight I was stretchered into an ambulance and taken to hospital. I was eventually pushed out in a wheelchair, by my parents, in the early hours of the new century, after being given oxygen. If you work with me on Doctors you will probably think of the wrap party I organised, the one which resulted in me flashing my pants to the world as I was carried out of the bar. That’s the same party at which one of the runners projectile vomited onto the back of the bar’s general manager and then asked our executive producer if he was a taxi driver. The epitome of class, BBC parties.

So the common theme in these events is that (a) I’m a total lightweight and obviously my Irish blood is being dominated by my Jewish genes (did you know that Jews can’t handle their alcohol? Apparently it’s all to do with the gene ADH2*2 – true story) and (b) I always forget to eat. Which is admittedly surprising, given how much I can usually put away in a few hours. Anyway, my 5^th horrendous hangover occurred a couple of weeks ago in the states, when I stupidly tried to keep up with Irish Americans.

There’s nothing like walking sober into a room full of drunken Americans to make you feel like an Uptight English Bitch. This is what I’m blaming my subsequent enthusiasm for drinking games upon (have you tried ‘Flip Cup’? My advice: Don’t) and extreme enthusiasm for beverages I don’t usually touch (Quadruple Blueberry Stoli blended with blueberries, strawberries and lemonade? Hell yeah!) And thus, even though I switched to water at 10pm (obviously I had to ask someone else to order it for me – I made some new best friends at the bar of ‘Daddy’s’), I was still throwing up at 10am the next day. Nice. My sister found me lying on the floor of my bedroom, pathetically licking the salt off pretzel crisps and trying to keep down a glass of ginger ale at midday on Sunday.

And to think, some people my age are mothers.

You’ll be pleased to hear that the Snow Leopard bikini went down a storm. I think I managed to suitably embarrass all my family on the beach at some point. I was also told by my sister that my belly button piercing is “so 1996”, and my Nokia 2810 was named a “Zack Morris” phone by my American cousin: “is that the phone you use in Britain? Really?!!”

Consider yourself judged.

The Hull Times Police Log

For those unfamiliar with small town America, the local newspaper lists all the police reports for the last week. This is what people call 911 for in Hull:

Sunday 6/3: 1:02am Newport Rd. Officer reports that a vehicle is covered in some type of pudding substance. Owner notified and doesn’t want to do anything…. 8:55am Newport Rd. caller reports that someone put salad dressing all over her car. Officer on location for photos and reports ranch dressing and some other type of food item on the vehicle. Photos taken….

Tuesday 6/5: 4:34 pm. Nantasket Ave. Elderly female did not answer the door today for lunch. O/ Mahoney reports speaking to the resident, who states she was out for the day and everything is fine.

Sunday 8/ 19: 4:04pm X St. 13 year-old male, possible autistic, is trying to get into houses in the area of Beach Ave. Last seen headed towards the point.  O/ Mercer reports out with the youth. His parents are on the beach and he will be attempting to locate them. O/ Mercer reports that the youth is with an uncle and neighbour. He has just been running around the beach having fun….

Wish you worked for the Hull Police Dept?