If pressed, I would have to say that the best thing to come out of my most recent enthusiastic burst of Tinder dating is that I have rekindled my love for vodka martinis.
Definitely the down side was the dates themselves - but hey - you can't have everything.
Yes, I have experienced the Tinder Cycle once again, and the outcome is that I have created my own cocktail hour - just for me. I definitely don't want to share my cocktail time with any of the specimens I've encountered online. In essence - Tinder dating has conferred upon me the status of Long Island socialite - in her 80s - who in her prime was the belle of the ball but now in the twilight of her life prefers to start cocktail hour at 5pm and continue it until the goodlooking waiter calls time at the bar (or - in my case - my cat takes up an indignant wailing that is impossible to ignore).
If you are lucky (or unlucky) enough to remain ignorant of the Tinder Cycle... it goes something like this:
1. significant time has elapsed since last Tinder Cycle. Surely there must be some winners on there by now. *downloads APP again*
2. starts hopeful - and open-minded. Decides that she quite fancied Dev Patel in Lion - and will swipe right to anyone who bears a passing similarity to him. *Matches with lots of biochemistry Phd students*
3.In fact - to hell with it. Let's say yes to LOTS of people. You never know what they might be like in person
4. Starts to receive messages. "I know you're not dtf, but would you be into something casual? [....] are you bi? are you into 3-sums?"; "you give me a boner. But not like a penis boner. Like a heart boner. It's a different thing."
5. The only hot guy you were messaging blocks you
6. Remains optimistic, decides to meet up in person with the guy who knows what Speed Queen is
7. Goes on 4 dates with 3 different people
8. .....
9. Has a mini melt-down. Plays Adele on repeat and digs out The Bell Jar
10. Recovers - deletes app - Status Quo is restored
I've decided that the fact that my best friend met her fiance on there who also happens to be a barrister is some freak stroke of serendipity which is unlikely to be repeated in New Zealand. It's a bloody urban legend. I keep hoping to match with Keanu Reeves (my enduring obsession since 1994) but I keep ending up with Lau the Builder with 4 kids who lives in a boarding house.
Here are the dates encapsulated in less than 500 words:
Lau: from Tonga. Builder with 4 Kids who recently broke up with his wife. By the time we'd walked to Kohimarama (15 minutes) I was counselling him on his marriage and asking, Lau, can't you make it work? For the sake of the kids? Then we walked back to Mission Bay. The whole thing was over in a merciful 30 minutes.
Pete: from Doncaster. Mum is now a lesbian. He was actually quite funny but had already started taking the piss out of my height before we'd even met, calling me "Stumpy" and telling me that he was sat near the bar "on the high chairs". One is not amused.
Bjorn: from South Africa. Not a "yawn" as my colleagues joked (they're quite the wit) but a little bit intense. Like when he asked me if I was affectionate - my response - "not really, I'm English" and then, undeterred, proceeded to ask me "would you like a cuddle?" *awkward pause* "nah..... you're alright...."
The up-side of this is that I have spent a significant amount of time talking to other people about Tinder, and - in particular - getting the male perspective on the app. For example - I had never come across the term "Swanking" until last week.
Surely YOU must know what that is?
(Swiping whilst wanking.)
And did you know that it's good to meet up with fat girls because they usually let you do anal?
See! There's so much to learn!
On a slightly different but not completely unrelated topic - my sister has been filling me in on her Uber Chronicles in Boston.
UBER DRIVER: Hey I'm Bryan.
SISTER: I'm Alana.
UBER DRIVER: That's the name I wanted to hear. Say, what music did you want to listen to?
SISTER: Um - anything.
UBER DRIVER: You're the guest!
SISTER: What were you listening to before?
UBER DRIVER: Rock Classics my friend!
[TURNS ROCK CLASSICS BACK ON - BROWN EYED GIRL IS PLAYING]
UBER DRIVER: Aw that's that guy.... what's his name?
SISTER: Van Morrison.
UBER DRIVER: My mind has just gone blankety blank.
SISTER: Van Morrison.
UBER DRIVER: I cannot for the life of me remember who this guy is!
SISTER: VAN. MORRISON.
UBER DRIVER: That's it! Say I'm a pretty friendly guy. I like to talk to my passengers. Now the ones you gotta worry about is the quiet ones in the back who don't talk. You wonder what they're plotting.
[Sister tells Bryan about how scary I found it driving in Boston last year]
UBER DRIVER: Well I'm terrified of driving here too if it makes you feel any better!
SISTER: Um... not really...
UBER DRIVER: And I'm from Southy. Boy I bet you're wishing this trip would end!
And then there was her traumatic UberPOOL - where she jumped into a car and there was already one girl seated there...
UBER DRIVER: Hi Alana. We're just enjoying some comedy on the radio. If you are offended by any of it or want to listen to something else, please let me know.
SISTER: That's fine. Carry on.
Comedy starts and it's pretty standard inane stuff. My sister doesn't find it that funny, and then the comedienne starts talking about Bill Cosby and the rape allegations and how for him it was normal to be drugging and raping all of his friends... all of this is going on when the next Uber pickup gets in.
UBER DRIVER: (turns down radio) Hi Natasha. We're just enjoying some comedy on the radio. If you are offended by any of it or want to listen to something else, please let me know.
NATASHA: That's fine. Carry on.
[UBER DRIVER TURNS UP RADIO]
RADIO COMEDIENNE: Have you been raped?
[....]
NATASHA: I don't want to listen to this.
Uber Driver turns off the radio. They spend the next 20 minutes in a very uncomfortable silence.
So there you go. Rape: not recommended as the topic of choice when sharing transport with strangers. Who knew?
