Travelling back from Raglan yesterday, the Welsh Bird and I had a protracted discussion around dating. Finally she said, "Look I think you should give Tinder another go Sarah. But say what you want on your bio - say you're looking for a relationship or whatever".
OK. But I'm not saying I want a relationship. That sounds far too Desperate-35-Year-Old-Who's-Terrified-Of-Ending-Up-On-The Shelf (analyze that). I settled for the somewhat less demanding "not DTF". And thus the very first conversation went like this:
Tinder Man: Cute!
Me: Thanks. What's been the highlight of your weekend?
Tinder Man: 3 days off.
Lol.
Can I be honest with you Sarah?
It's been Tinder.
[brief pause in conversation]
Oh I see you're not dtf.
That pretty much counts me out.
WT actual F. I was kind of just writing "not dtf" on my bio to be a bit facetious but, no - apparently on Tinder it's very necessary to be specific.
It's at times like this that I wonder, is it REALLY that bad to end up a crazy cat lady? Because, quite frankly, my kitty brings me significantly more joy than receiving messages that tell me I'm not worth someone's while if I won't drop my drawers the first time we meet (that's right - I'm bringing back "drawers").
On the subject of dtf, I was given an illuminating insight into the Dublin Hippie's MO when it comes to scoring on a night out. It turns out there are 3 Stages to Securing Your Prey:
Stage One: make contact, but in a fun, non-threatening way. Spin her round on the dance floor or similar. Create a fun connection, then set her free and make your way around the other girls. Talk to 5 or 6 other girls about such innocuous subjects such as palm trees. Let the original girl know you're not really that interested.
Stage Two: return to prey and separate her from her friends by asking her to go to the bar/ outside for a chat/ have a dance. You need to isolate her, and then build on the original connection.
Stage Three: this is the most challenging stage of sealing the deal. You either: (a) get her number and arrange to meet up another time; (b) take her home and have a great night; (c) take her on to a house party; (d) cut your losses and go home or (e) move on to the next available girl.
So there you have it. Apparently this is not 100% full proof, but I'm told it generally has an 80% success rate. Which is significantly higher than either presidential candidate's chances of being elected right now - so sounds like a reassuring statistic to me.
Can we talk about the election? I really, REALLY don't want Trump to win. And I'm a bit scared that this is going to be another BREXIT. Where nobody actually thought that the worst would happen, and then it just did. I didn't vote in the UK election because, quite frankly, I wasn't aware that BREXIT could even happen until about 3 days before the vote. And, once again, I haven't registered to vote in the US election because I had no idea that Trump could actually have any real shot at winning. And now it's too late (apparently I had to register back in January to vote in the US). You know when you hear about all the things people had to do to secure our rights to vote, and then you realise that you have that right - without even doing anything to earn it - and you've squandered it by being a little bit too much on Instagram, and a little bit too less on The Times?
The shame is real, people. (But don't you love Parris Goebel's latest vid?)
Going back to Tinder though, I recently returned home and caught up with the Psychologist. He said, "are you seeing anyone Sarah?" "no. Are you?" "Don't be ridiculous". It was a very reassuring exchange. Anyway, the conversation turned to Tinder. Apparently it's much easier to pull on Tinder in Birmingham than in London. He said, "in London you need to have invented an App that's made you a millionaire under the age of 24 to get anywhere on Tinder. But, in Birmingham, I do much better. I'm a Doctor and a home-owner. I'm a King!"
But, more importantly... dtf?
