Whilst you're enjoying your Easter Eggs and family get-togethers over this sacred time, spare a thought for my sister whose experience of this holiday weekend will be very different. No, she's not been posted to Syria or dealing with the fallout of Broad Street at 3am in A&E. What Alana's going through will be much worse. Much, MUCH worse.
She's handling 3 days straight of Brunch in Harvard Square.
Sometimes I miss working in hospitality. The free pizza, the banter with the Gay Best Waiter Friend, the Hot Bartender to flirt with, the lock-ins where you get to further your flirting with said Hot Bartender whilst Gay Best Waiter Friend makes lots of awkward comments ("Just get a room"), the free pizza...
Then my sister tells me about the Holiday Brunch shift, and I feel infinitely grateful that my dealings with the general public have (at least for the time being) come to a merciful halt.
The last Brunch shift she worked, she turned up really hungover, thinking it was going to be quiet. And it was, for the first hour or so. In fact, it was looking so quiet that her boss optimistically told her that she'd be able to go home early. She passed the first part of her shift engaging in the waiter's preferred job of polishing cutlery (anything to not have to deal with actual customers) and daydreaming about the takeaway she'd get when she knocked off in a few hours.
Then the floodgates opened.
300 people were seated in her section, 100 of which were babies. She said at one point she had to go into the walk in freezer, have a little cry and a very loud scream to compose herself. She was so loud, in fact, that on exiting her colleagues asked her, "what was happening in there?!" I can't tell you how gloomy she looks when she tells me she's working the Brunch Shift. Or rather, "F&%$ing Brunch" as it's known in our house. On the up side, however, she and her colleagues handle the Harvard elite by playing Brunch Bingo. Here's a few of the choice encounters they are likely to tick off:
- Obnoxious Twat
- Harvard Knobs
- Interrupted Greeting. Eg, "Hi there, good morning, can I offer you still or... " "DIET COKE".
- Foreigner tips 10% or less
- Cheque split 8 ways
- Soy milk on the side
- "Is that paleo?"
- "Is it gluten free and vegan?"
- When Pepsi isn't OK. "We don't have Diet Coke, is Diet Pepsi OK?" "Oh. No, not really. I'll have a hot chocolate". Cause that's the same thing...
So it’s been a while since the Russian and I caught up. Probably not since 2012, when he told me I needed to stop eating muffins and that if he trained me he could make me “aesthetically pleasing”. So a chat was long overdue. I was lucky enough to bump into the vodka-swallower on Friday morning in the gym café, where he had these words of wisdom to impart:
THE RUSSIAN: There’s some fine looking talent in here this morning.
ME; Haven’t you got a girlfriend?
THE RUSSIAN: Yes but I’m window shopping. That’s what the gym is all about. After all, you don’t go to a restaurant and not eat, do you? It’s the same thing. It’s an important part of coming to the gym. It’s just as important as training my clients. In fact, some days, it’s more important.
ME: right…
THE RUSSIAN: Like on a Friday. You need to unwind, right? That’s why you come to the gym.
ME: To perve on other people?
THE RUSSIAN: Exactly!
Which brings us nicely onto the 21st century version of The Freak Show, otherwise known as Tinder. I thought I’d give it another shot after the debacle with the Young Boy and… wow. Just wow. If I thought there were some weirdo’s in there the last time I searched…. well the Weirdo’s have contacted the Super-Weirdo’s and they called up the F&*%ing Freaks who brought along the on Crazies and they’ve all somehow ended up on Tinder. Here’s some profile quotes for you – from the cosmopolitan metropolises of Auckland and Boston:
I EAT PUSSY and I love it (Patrick, 34, Architect at Vandelay Industries)
The only hair between your legs should be my beard
Aspire to something greater than yourself and follow me on Instagram
I am a 29 year old who love to chill smoke weed play pool video games cooking going to movies and showing among other things. I also am a big wrestling and walking dead batman songs of anarchy and breaking bad fan. I love to binge watch Netflix and am hugely into hip hop music and going to concerts and events like comic.con. I am looking for a down to earth girl to hang out and chill and get to no each other and see were things lead and take us. I’m interested in woman ages 20 to 50 (Brandon, 29)
Not gonna lie, mainly looking for sex. Got a ten inch… kik jonk1 if you don’t believe me (John, 30)
Just here looking for FWB. Not married (JL, 34)
The Nina/ The Pinta/ The Santa Maria/ I’ll do you in the butt/ while you’re drinking Sangria (Dan, 31, Route Driver at Poland Spring Natural Springs)
Not up for a threesome. If I wanted to disappoint 2 people at the same time I’d have dinner with my parents.
(Actually I quite liked that one)
I received the following message from Dave, apparently a dentist, in Wellington. "Hi Sarah, would you like to meet up over green, white or $$$?" Being the innocent, I checked with the Cheerleader if I was missing something obvious. After all, I have only just joined Instagram, so I am at least 2 years behind the rest of the kids when it comes to being "street". (Do people still use the word "street"?) She was similarly mystified, so I replied, very politely, "Hi Dave The Dentist, you've lost me. What does one mean?"
"Can I pay you to meet up with me?"
The Cheerleader texted me later. She had figured out: green = weed; white = coke (or, more likely, in Dave's case, P), $$$ = well, we figured that one out. Great. Apparently I have gone from paedophile to prostitute in one smooth swipe. I miss the days of courting in my youth, when you had a few Snakebite and Blacks in the Dome (II) and some pale spotty boy from Handsworth Grammar informed you, "Gazza wouldn't mind pulling you tonight if you can chip in for the taxi back to Bartley Green.".
That was so much more romantic than being offered money for sex on Tinder.
