Being 34 was cool. I could still (sort of) claim to be in my early 30s. 40 felt a long way away. But then, out of nowhere, BANG - THIRTY FIVE, and it feels like a totally different ball game. When I told the physiotherapist how old I had turned this year he said, "oh well, it's a big one, it's a 5!" And I then I thought about my last "5" birthday, when the Asian and I had a fairytale fantasy party and nobody was married or having kids (out of my friends - obvs - I suspect other people were), and I got all self-reflective and panicky about my ovaries shrivelling away by the moment.
It probably didn't help that I started the year by hanging out with a 26 year old "Young Boy". Or, since things have now gone awry, "Stupid Young Boy". He wasn't that great for my ego. Comments such as "your generation... my generation", "did they make contact lenses back when you were a teenager?", and "who's Ziggy Stardust?" only served to heighten my fear that I was turning into Demi Moore. He didn't quite ask if I had gone through "The Change" but I could tell that he was pretty stunned that I was still getting my period.
A friend of mine told me that her doctor referred to women of age 35+ as being "older primates" when it comes to getting pregnant. NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR!!!!! I have never heard of a man being described in these terms. And so, not for the first time, I have begun to regard the reproductive system with fear and dread. And think, "shit, if I want to have kids, I better start looking for hot doctors and lawyers in their late 30s with no kids and a weird fondness for Boggle and other 3-minute word games". Basically I want George Clooney in ER. Could someone kindly point me in the right direction? Little Easy on Ponsonby Road doesn't seem to be delivering the goods.
On the plus side, I am in good (familial) company. My sister has recently moved to Boston, and decided to download Tinder. She was a real hit for the first few days, matching with Massachusetts' finest.... and then, suddenly, all the matches stopped. She duly lowered her swiping standards, and started swiping right to any old Brad, Justin or Joseph Junior II that she came across. Still nothing. Disbelieving that she wasn't matching with ANYONE in the greater Boston area, she found herself searching the net for "How to know if Tinder is broken". Apparently, the problem may lie in the algorhythm, and the advice was to remove the App, and then download it again.
She reinstalled it three times.
So here's the key guys: perseverance.
Apparently the buzz word for 2015 was "resilience". I have given this topic considerable thought, trying to come up with someone who embodies this word for me. And then it came to me in a flash of inspiration at 522am last Thursday when I was driving to BODYPUMP. No, not Joan of Arc. Or Maya Angelou. Or Malala Yousafzai. The most resilient woman I can think of is... (drum roll please) the human miracle known as Jordan. AKA Katie Price.
Here's the definition of resilience from the Oxford English Dictionary:
[mass noun
1. The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness: the often remarkable resilience of so many British institutions
2. The ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity: nylon is excellent in wearability, abrasion resistance and resilience
Does this not describe Jordan perfectly? She's got about 25 kids by different fathers. She's been married 3 times - to Peter Andre, Alex Reid, and some builder/ part time stripper. She decided to reconcile with said builder/ part-time stripper after he shagged 2 of her closest mates. She's written "novels", had reality shows, released an album with Peter Andre (the unforgettable, A Whole New World), got a lingerie range, perfume line, and equestrian clothing collection. Even when her men are exposed as being transvestites, the woman keeps bouncing back. She is the Page 3 equivalent of the cockroach. In the event of a nuclear holocaust, the world would be left barren except for roaches and Kate Price And Cleavage.
And what happens to the men? Who knows what Peter Andre is doing today? Although I for one miss Alex Reid's column in 'Star' magazine. Particularly memorable is the edition that he referred to himself as the "Reidinator". I am not ashamed to admit that, at one point in my life, that column was the highlight of the week.
So there you have it. My heroine for 2016: Jordan. Plus she's 3 years older than me. And she's not letting 26 year olds make her feel bad about herself. GIRL POWER!! RESILIENCE!! I LOVE BEING 35 IN 2016!
(Just tell George Clooney to head towards Mission Bay).
OVERHEARD AT THE MILL
INSTRUCTOR: And if you can't keep your butts down guys, then I want you on your knees...
