The Death of the Author

Is it OK to talk about vibrators in a blog? I mean, are we still going to be friends if I tell you that I recently read an entire online article entitled 'Vibrators: A Beginner's Guide'? If you have ever read The Death of the Author (although, quite frankly, why would you unless you are an eager English Literature undergraduate with elbow patches on your tweed?) then you will know the argument that, once the words are on the page, any meaning you - the reader - attribute to them is influenced by YOUR thoughts and tastes i.e. if you are going to interpret a piece about vibrators as offensive, then that's your own problem. And anyway, 50 Shades of Grey is playing at The Midlands Art Centre so I believe we can bring EVERYTHING to the table. All bets are off.

(Disclaimer over).

Let me take you back through the mists of time to June 2014: Tinder Initiation. I believe that's where the problems began. Fast forward 8 months and I have definitely NOT met the man of my dreams; however, I have encountered Man With Girlfriend, Man Who Passed Out and Muscle Man Who Threw Up In My Bin. I've been on three Tinder dates, all of which were"fine", "pleasant" and.... pretty tedious. I met Man Who Would Be Played By Jack Black In A Movie, who I inadvertently stood up for mini-golfing (who doesn't re-confirm on the day?) and I've had plenty of "romantic" messages online. My favourite so far has to be the guy who, when I didn't reply to a Happy New Year message he sent, wrote "hey you Butch, sorry I mean Bitch. I thought you were cool but I actually think you're a Bitch".... "actually I am pretty sure you are not cool".... "I have decided: you are definitely not a cool person". Ouch. Although nothing compares to my pretty red-headed friend who received a message saying, "You have beautiful hair. Can I piss on it?"

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!!!

A friend of mine told me that I needed to get a vibrator. She herself had recently participated in a 'Vibrator Focus Group' (it's a thing), which required her to 'try out' (and, presumably, keep) a vibrator and provide feedback after 3 weeks. the vibrator in question was entitled 'Twist and Shout' and it didn't require batteries - you just plug it into your computer and you're off! (or, more accurately, on).

Anyway, it was a slow Friday night. I found myself eating cold pizza and watching Neighbours at 730pm (yes, in New Zealand, Neighbours is prime time Friday night viewing). So, to cheer myself up, I purchased a Ticket For One to see Neil Diamond in Auckland in October. (I would like to emphasise here that Neil Diamond was not the low point. Rock bottom was watching Neighbours by myself on a Friday night. I am a lifelong fan of ND, ever since I saw him at Birmingham's NEC in 1998, my first gig. Does Neil Diamond count as  'gig'? But I digress). THEN I found a kitten on Trademe, THEN I bought my first vibrator! The highs and lows of a tumultuous Auckland Friday night...

My friend has suggested that when I get my kitten, I should hold a "Meet My Pussy" party. But I feel that this is taking things a shade too far.

I think that's enough vagina-talk for one day. Let's talk about homesickness. I have discovered that being away from the familiar makes one do very strange things to feel at home. I now watch Coronation Street at least a few times a month, despite the fact that we are 2 years behind the storylines, and also despite the fact that I never watched it when I was in the UK (except when I worked on it; but that was more out of fear of a f*&^-up). I buy stacks of Cadbury's Creme Eggs, which I find sickly-sweet and never bought back home. I frequently listen to an Indian radio station in my car to remind me of getting taxi's around Birmingham (I'm not kidding) and I also pay an extortionate amount for Heinz Baked Beans.

Poms In Paradise never warned me about yearnings for Punjabi MC.

Can we also talk about the following Harold Bishop-related shocker, reported in The Daily Mail:

Could YOU endure sex education lessons from Harold Bishop? Former Neighbours star fronts new sex-ed series for teenagers

• Actor Ian Smith teaches young people how to put on a condom in new video
• The 76-year-old plays a grandfather in the series called 'Ask Grandad' 
• Video was produced after La Trobe University discovered just 59 per cent of teens in Australia reported using condoms when they last had sex
• Smith agreed to star in the video because he never received proper sex-ed 

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The man known to millions as Neighbours star Harold Bishop has landed himself a new role – teaching sex education.

Actor Ian Smith has been unveiled as the face of a new video series to support teachers delivering health and sexual wellness education in schools after La Trobe University discovered just 59 per cent of teens in Australia reported using condoms when they last had sex.

The 76-year-old plays a grandfather in the series called 'Ask Grandad', in which he teaches young people how to put on a condom.

So perhaps Neighbours should be post-watershed viewing after all.

OVERHEARD AT THE MILL

GRIT INSTRUCTOR: So I want you to Jack Off over the bench...