You can all breathe again, cause I've finally joined Tinder. I may have come to 21st century technology relatively late - making the bold move from my Nokia 360 to a Samsung Galaxy S5 in a heady leap that, quite frankly, still terrifies me - but I am now all 2014 on my dating. At least I will be, once I've found someone who looks vaguely normal/ my age. I'm not sure if this is a New Zealand thing, or a worldwide phenomenon, but there is NOBODY on the site between the ages of 25 and 42. Seriously. There's like a million 18 and 19 year olds on there (well, maybe not a million, this is New Zealand after all), a few 22-23 year olds, and then suddenly it's Frank, 45, who moved to Auckland from Scunthorpe cause he's into watersports. And then I get all confused wondering if that's meant to be a euphemism.
So where are all the normal 30-something year olds? Surely they can't ALL be happily married? It's very disappointing. And the guys who are on there are either trying to be terribly witty: "I'm part Husky, part mountaineer, 53% daydreamer - you do the math" - WTF - or cryptic: "ask and I shall answer", or just a little too hardcore Kiwi: "hrdout Aoteroan [various lines in Maori] give me your numbr bro". And why can't ANYBODY spell? Your and you're are different words people, and no, it's not an excuse that you've sent it from your iPhone. Perhaps you should spend a little less time swiping right and a great deal more on improving your grip of the English language. And why do so many guys include photos of their car? TINDER IS MAKING ME QUESTION EVERYTHING!
Dating out here is tricky though. I've been told by numerous Kiwi women that New Zealand men are way too shy and ambiguous, and you never know if you're actually dating them or just being their "mate". The Physio told me that, as far as he could see, in England dating constitutes "getting drunk and finding a shag". Yes. This is a tried-and-trusted method that has worked for us for centuries. The other species to be found on dating websites is Bitter Man. His tagline will typically read "Im not interested in time-wasters and if your only on here for your ego dont bother getting in touch". Wow, that really makes me want to contact you. You sound as if you might torture me. I actually went on a date with this particular breed of man last year, and it was the longest 45 minutes of my life. He seemed furious that he'd not yet found his future wife and interrogated me at length about my dating history. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, we walked out onto the street and he bumped into a colleague. As I stood there waiting awkwardly to escape, he gestured to me and said "hey, I'm on one of those Findsomeone dates!" Yes, you certainly are. Someone. Anyone....
Let's talk about the Little People. And no, I don't mean me. I am pleased to tell you I have not one but TWO dwarf-themed anecdotes for you. The first is my new favourite expression from Spain to refer to things going wrong - "monto un circo y me crecen los enanos", which roughly translates to "the dwarves in my circus are growing". AMAZING. The second is my teaching cue that went slightly awry. I was team teaching GRIT with The Dutch and decided, since we're both pretty small, that I would issue a "Midget Challenge" - i.e., everyone in the class has to beat our reps. Sadly, I had failed to take account of the actual dwarf standing in the front row. I said "Midget Challenge" several times. Apparently the majority of the class thought that I was picking on him. The Dutch said it was almost as bad as the time an American instructor taught BODYCOMBAT to a Jewish community and told them to "fight like a Nazi" - whereupon they all just stopped and stared at her.
I think my Mum would have appreciated the following: the book club that she attended last year held a session last week dedicated to a novel that she had chosen before her death, 'Things Fall Apart'. Her friend emailed me to relate the following:
"One member who - to say the least - is not very popular, asked me why Kathy had not emailed with her views on the book, which is normal practise if you cannot attend. I took the opportunity to remind her that as Kathy had died in November, that had not been possible. She was mortified at her error/ forgetfulness... and I doubt will ever speak again".
That's worse than my Midget comment, right?
Overheard at the Mill
GAY PT: I'm really broken. In fact, I think I just dislocated my uterus.
