So I have one mission for 2014: to get a smartphone. Or, to be more precise, to get a smartphone and ACTIVELY LEARN HOW TO USE IT. I have been told - for at least a year now - that getting an iPhone will change my life. On numerous occasions The Gays have threatened that, until I own an iPhone, "you can't sit with us". My current resolve is the result of this morning's conversation with the Asian Princess; I was bemoaning the fact that people send me Multimedia messages which I can't see - I just get a text saying 'Unable to receive Multimedia message'. Her response was that NODODY uses the word 'multimedia' and, in fact, nobody actually texts any more. In fact the last text message she sent was to West Midlands Transport to check the bus times - apparently it's all about WHATSAPP. Er, WHATEVER. The conversation concluded with my suggesting that, when it comes to smartphones, I am like the BHS of keeping up with the times. But no. According to Princess, that's far too kind a comparison - I am far more like Borders i.e. obselete. As she put it, "everybody liked Borders, Borders didn't do anything wrong, in fact Borders was more fun than old stuffy Waterstones.... but Borders couldn't keep up with the times and it had to shut down".
Oh right.
(Speaking of The Gays, I refuse to turn this blog into The Gay Times, but I do need to recount a conversation - convo - that occurred with The Gay Frog last week). As everybody knows, it's an unspoken agreement between Straight Girls and Gay Men that, if Gay Man were straight, he would fancy you. Actually, it often IS a spoken agreement, usually after a few Appletini's, when Straight Girl is despairing of ever finding a partner and Goodlooking Gay Man reassures her, "don't worry, you'll find someone, I'd definitely sleep with you if I were straight". That's the way the universe works. Well, apparently not everyone got the memo. Gay Frog opened the dialogue by sending me an advert for Grabone - for cheap boob jobs in Thailand. Point A - never a good way to endear yourself to Straight Girl. Conversation duly followed about the Vagina and I said, "yeah, but you'd obviously fancy me if you were straight, right?".... "Er, I'm not sure.... maybe". WTF. He then tried to pacify a clearly outraged little Jew by adding, "I'd definitely fancy you if I were a lesbian". Brilliant.
I would like to continue my Compare and Contrast theme of working in fitness vs. working at the BBC. Clearly, food is a main point of difference. I don't think I ever saw anyone in telly ever skip a meal. (Apart from the actresses, but that's another blog post). Let's juxtapose this fact against a statement I heard in the office last week - "I'm hungry. I ended up missing lunch, but I still have half a Paleo meal left over from yesterday". I actually think you would be sacked - on the spot - if you uttered this phrase in any decent production office in the Greater West Midlands region. In point of fact, I recently received an email from a BBC colleague that read as follows:
Been going swimming on a Monday and in the kids' pool is an aqua aerobics session where the instructor makes you look laid back - if I hear her 'woo' once more I'll throw a toaster into the water.
2nd point of difference: enthusiasm.
On the plus side I have discovered a game which is universally received whether you're working at the BBC or for an Elite Fitness Company - everybody loves to play 'Shag/ Marry/ Kill'. You give someone the choice of 3 people (you can do celebrities, but it's way more fun with people you actually know) and they have to decide who they want to marry, who they want to shag, and who they would like to kill. Or were you expecting something more intellectual?
The longer I am in New Zealand, the more I realise that everybody knows each other. I mean, EVERYBODY. I reckon Auckland must be like 2 degrees of Separation. You have to be really careful when gossiping - cause chances are you're slagging off their aunty. The upside of this is that all the criminals get caught. You know how in England a newspaper report on a murder/ rape will conclude "The police continue their investigations"? So that never happens in New Zealand. The article generally finishes by stating, "The suspect was apprehended buying Iced Coffee in a dairy in Whangaparaoa". I'm telling you, 'Crimewatch' would never have been commissioned in Aotearoa.
Overheard in RPM
AUSTRALIAN INSTRUCTOR: "Come on, add some more resistance. You gotta toughen up, Princess".
And that's how they roll in the southern hemisphere....
