And so the time has come to discuss the most devastating bombshell of 2013. Nope, this has nothing to do with terrorism, earthquakes or Miley Cyrus at the VMA's (although I'd say that's on a par with most natural disasters). This is the news that has LITERALLY shattered my sister's world:
According to the dictionary, '"literally" now also means "figuratively".
No longer can she cite the following quote from Nick Clegg as an example of the ignorance of the British men in politics: "It makes people so incredibly angry when you are getting up early in the morning, working really hard to try and do the right thing for your family and your community, you are paying your taxes and then you see people literally in a different galaxy who are paying extraordinarily low rates of tax". LITERALLY IN A DIFFERENT GALAXY. THERE ARE LITERALLY PEOPLE ON MARS WHO ARE PAYING LESS TAX THAN THE GOOD PEOPLE OF SWINDON.
No Alana, according to Merriam-Webster, you are wrong and Nick Clegg is LITERALLY right (OK that didn't work). As they say here in NZ, sorry 'bout it.
I was chatting to Aunty the other day and he commented, "you should put me in your blog". Er, OK, what am I going to write about you? "You know, just my life and all my relationship dramas".
Right, let's clear this up now shall we? Contrary to (apparent) popular opinion, my blog is not a showcase for gay men and their various love-life dramas. Although I do love the fact that, when I'm talking to my straight friends about their relationships they will often pause at some point and ask with suspicion, "this isn't going in your blog is it?" Compare this to Homosexual Male, who will start telling me a story and finish with "you MUST put that in your blog babes".
The Blonde has given me permission to talk about the disastrous date she went on yesterday. Said date was apparently the longest 50 minutes of her life and, to make it worse, she had been set up by a mutual friend. I asked why the friend had thought it might work. "Well, I think she mistook him for being all deep and emotional. When in fact I can see he's actually just an arrogant tosspot". He told her that he'd stopped reading the New Zealand Herald because he felt that it was actually making him stupider, and will now only touch The Wall Street Journal and The Guardian. And, presumably, Heat Magazine.
Compare if you will this anecdote to my story from The Queen about Grindr. (I'm assuming you know what Grindr is. Tinder for the gays. If you don't know what Tinder is, then you're even more behind the times than me. And I don't have an iPhone). He told me that the trick is to have a catalogue of photos ready to send at a moment's notice. You have to do some serious preparation. Apparently one must set aside an evening, dim the lighting, have a glass of wine to relax, put on some seductive music (this is all by one's self, you understand) and then take some suitably sexual photo's from various creative angles so that you can reply instantaneously upon receiving a message from Gary the IT Consultant. Jesus, it sounds exhausting. Whatever happened to the Dome II and being told "my friend thinks your friend's fit. She's not a virgin is she?"
Anyway, since this blog has somehow ended up being about all the gays anyway (goddammit, they always manage to steal the show) I thought I would write a "how to" guide for would-be Fag Hags:
1. Know your Mean Girls quotes. "Fetch", "she's fabulous but she's evil", "somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I use super jumbo tampons... but I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina!"
2. Understand that The Gays say stuff to your face that Straight Girls say behind your back and Straight Men don't even notice: "Where did you get your hair done?", "Toni and Guy", "Mmmmmmm.... don't go back there"; "that's a nice belt, is it holding your tummy in?"; and (when I came home after my first semester at Leeds) "Gosh, haven't you got fat at university?"
3. And comment on your age. Recently I discovered I was the oldest person out of a group of friends. "Repeat after me. Men..... Oh...... Pause......"
4. Do NOT try and out-dance them. You won't win. Like, ever.
5. Teaching attack to them is the most terrifying experience known to man. Right before a 6am class I was informed, " I hope you're good. We WILL judge you". Don't mind me, I'm just off to the changing room to quietly slit my wrists.....
OVERHEARD AT THE GYM
MALE ATTACK INSTRUCTOR TO FELLOW MALE ATTACK INSTRUCTOR:
When did you last shave your legs bro? They're out of control!
(Allegedly, straight).
