1. Apparently some people have threesomes on a Wednesday night, on their way home from the gym. While other people (who will remain anonymous) thought that midweek entertainment didn't get any more exciting than watching 'The Block (New Zealand)'.
2. Said threesome is preceded by a cup of tea in the lounge and a discussion about what it's like to live in London.
3. Having a threesome with a couple is different from everyone being single - apparently the additional person is the Guest Star. Much like our guest artistes in Doctors - who receive unprecedented special treatment, exampled by their being accommodated in The Jurys Inn on Broad St.
4. Threesome is followed by another cup of tea and further discussion of clubbing in Soho.
So now you know.
In other news, apparently the Kiwi's have several choice names for their northern Hemisphere friends. In the last week I have heard us referred to as both 'whinging Poms' and 'beige Brits'. That's nice isn't it? Need I remind you who is (still) your Queen and of the not inconsiderable fact that, without England, most of you wouldn't be here. You Invaders. And, also, you wouldn't have Cadbury's. FACT.
(I have just done some research (Google) and in fact New Zealanders aren't the only ones to have less than favourable names for us. Apparently during the Hundred Years' War the French called us 'les goddams' because we swear so much. Bloody Frogs.)
Let's return to Cadbury's though, and Fact of No Small Concern that, not only can I no longer taste the difference between chocolate here and Cadbury's in the UK, but I am actually starting to really like Cadbury's here. They even have a special Marvellous Creations out here - which I don't believe you can get back home - and I think it's my new favourite over Wispa. And I'm from BIRMINGHAM. Where is the loyalty?
I have been told that it takes a year (at least) to settle in a new country. And I have spent much of the last 12 months feeling like a bit of an alien. OK we speak the same language but that's where many of the similarities end. Why do they insist on calling the kettle 'the jug' (very confusing for everybody) and flip flops 'jandals'? Why do New Zealanders get up so ridiculously early in the morning? Why does everyone say 'nek minnit' and add 'ay' onto the end of all their sentences? How does Shortland Street manage to keep getting commissioned? And why is everyone so relentlessly happy? (Apart from the barrista at Tana Mera Coffee in Mission Bay. He's refreshingly miserable.)
However, since returning to New Zealand 3 weeks ago, I have noticed a disturbing turn of events that suggest I am becoming One Of Them. 0430am no longer seems like the middle of the night, but rather a completely reasonable time to set one's alarm for. I have noticed certain foods making an appearance on my food shelf - LSA, macadamia oil, quinoa - that I'd barely even heard of back in Selly Oak. Unless reading the 'what's in your fridge' section of Closer counts. I add coconut oil to my black coffee for 'good fat'. I say I feel 'sec' when I refer to feeling nauseated (correct usage - Alana?) and I work at Liz Mells. I will send you a tixt and let's now work the muscles of our chist. Dear god, WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
And, cause I know it's keeping you up at night....
How to tell the difference between working in telly and working in the gym
- Smiling is mandatory on the gym floor. Even if it's a rictus grin after 12 hours.
- In TV people will suspect you have taken too much of your Class A again.
- Gym breakfast: Protein shake, egg white omelette, side of avocado. TV breakfast: red bull, fag, side of Snickers.
- Conversation starters: GYM: "how's your training going?"
- BBC: "Fag break?"
- Sarcasm is mandatory in TV. And it's perfectly acceptable to explain that you have to do something for someone "because he's a c*&^". In the gym... not so much.
- Nobody at the BBC ever got excited when the cafeteria had broccoli.
- Or refused the bread basket at lunch.
- A 5am start at the gym means you should be Vivacious, Onto It, Enthusiastic and Self-Assured. In TV you are permitted to be Vicious, Off On One, Effing Knackered and Self-Loathing.
- Current buzz in the gym: "have you been to the new paleo cafe in St Heliers?"
- TV: "what's your opinion on Peter Capaldi?"
- (sorry, that's soooooo August 5. We just heard the news)
- Er... I'm out.
There is one factor universal to TV and the Gym, and in fact, every workplace I have ever experienced. When the manager is in, Look Busy.
