So we are in the month of May and. apparently, autumn in New Zealand. Er, whatevs. I feel it is my duty, as a good Brit abroad, to Represent, and therefore I will continue to wear my pink Topshop hotpants and loose fitting Betty White Tee for as long as I can stand. Or until I get drenched in Aotearoan rain. Whichever comes soonest. I just popped out to my local 'mall' (gosh I am soooooo Kiwi) for a coffee, and must admit my get-up - as detailed above - did provoke some rather strange looks. In point of fact: as soon as the first spots of rain splashed the window the barrister in the coffee shop informed me, quite gleefully I thought, that "You're going to get wet". Yes, well. Luckily for you Mr Coffee, I can run like the wind and I parked in a disabled spot. Not laughing now, are you?
I'm joking about the disabled parking of course. I did work for the BBC, remember.
But yes we are coming into winter and it's a bit of a shock. I was kind of thinking that the summer we had just experienced over what are, for us northern hemisphere - ers (new invention - TM), the winter months, were some kind of bonus. Call it a Gift from God. So, to my mind, I had been given an Extra Summer by fluke, and now would experience the Real Summer, in its proper place i.e. June/ July/ August. Not so. Apparently Auckland is going to get rainy, cold and miserable, and I will feel just like I'm back in Colmore Row on a wet Monday morning. Awesome.
On the subject of Awesome, if Kiwi's were banned from using that word, I'm not sure what they would say. Everything here is Awesome. Your Flat White is awesome. Parking is awesome. It's an awesome day. Those horrific multi-coloured leggings look AWESOME on you. The word has lost all meaning. I've been told I'm awesome several times but I'm no longer sure what it means. In England we might say "quite good" in an understated tone of voice, and we would mean THAT'S F&%$ING WICKED!!! YOU HAVE REACHED THE PINNACLE OF BRILLIANCE!!! Here the word is bandied about willy nilly, so it may as well replace "and", or, "the". I'm not quite sure where I'm heading with this thread, except to warn any would-be travellers to NZ that, if you get told you're awesome, you're probably just not a complete anathema. Think on.
So I am doing some work experience next week and (I couldn't help but wonder), what is the accepted expiry date for being Too Old to do work experience? I went into the office last week and I think the girl who came to collect me from reception was slightly taken aback when I explained that I am the thirty two year old work experience. I suspect she was expecting someone half that age. Remember the episode of Friends when Chandler decides to do some work experience, and feels exceedingly old? Have I just made myself look even older by citing that example?
But yes, I am doing work experience, and it has put me in mind of the various placements I have done in the past. There was the school-enforced work experience I did when I was 16, forgot about until it was about to dawn, and discovered that the only company that would take me on at a week's notice was The Botanical Gardens. I thus spent an unhappy 2 weeks plucking aphids from bushes in the orangery, and following a bad tempered gardener and his lawn mower around with a rake. Said lawn mower perpetually broke down every 20 minutes or so, causing the gardener to fly into a rage and kick it viciously whilst turning the air blue and no doubt upsetting the nearby Ladies of Edgbaston enjoying tea on the lawn. There was my week with a publishing house, when on my first day my mentor told me "This is the kind of job that people queue up around the block for. And then when you get it, you wonder why". My time with the criminal lawyer, when I was propositioned by his client during interview in the cells... The work experience I did with the art dept on Coronation Street, when I decided that working on set started far too early in the morning. (This was clearly before I worked in fitness, and had to be at the gym at 5am to open up).
Career Confused much?
I will conclude with the following advice for on would-be Pommie settlers attempting to fit in with the locals:
1. Know your vowels. 'E' becomes 'I', as in "send a tixt", "can I borrow an igg". 'A' becomes 'E', as in "Seeeeeeer-rah" (that's my name over here, apparently). Make sure you say the "Seeeeeeeeer" for about 10 minutes before finishing with the staccato "rah". Nobody's in a hurry over here.
2. Add 'ay' onto the end of EVERY sentence. "That's a mean workout, ay". "You're working today, ay". "He's gay, ay". You get the picture.
3. Corrie is Coro here. And remember we are about 2 years behind. So Michael Le Vell won't be a paedophile here until about 2015.
4. Perfect the local greeting. The lifted chin and raised eyebrows acknowledgement is apparently not limited to personal trainers, as I had initially thought. Apparently it's a New Zealand/ Maori thing and means anything from "hello", "goodbye", "great job", "I hate you"....
5. Add awesome into at least one out of every 5 sentences and you'll be sweet as, bro.
Top Reasons I Am Proud to Call Myself a Brummie
MEMBER: Where are you from in the UK?
ME: Birmingham, have you been?
MEMBER. Nah. I lived in London for 3 years but never made it to Birmingham. We used to get all our drugs from there though.
Another one to add to the list.
