So today I was when I was paying for my bottle of whiskey from the Bottle Shop (yes I drink whiskey - straight - I am almost 32 you know) the Kiwi guy serving me said 'brilliant' when I asked him for the Jim Beam, and then said 'here you go love' when he gave me my change. Er, are you taking the piss out of my accent? So far I've not heard any Aucklander use that terminology, although my friend at work does like to try and say 'are you alright?.... Lovely' in a Dick Van Dyke type accent which gets even more confusing when you remember that he is a Tahitian from New Caledonia, whose first language is French. C'est vrai. Or, as they say here, 'True, ay'.
In fact, I feel rather like I've been lost in translation since starting work at the gym. They speak another language. I've moved from the world of telly when all you hear is 'turn over', 'wrap', 'call sheet', 'over-run', 'schedule', 'main artistes' and ' because he's a c#$*', to the world of the super-fit: 'cutting', 'loading', 'TRX', 'Cross Fit', 'hammys', 'can I get a spot?', 'what's your max, bro?'... It's another world. You'll be pleased to hear I've become quite the dab hand at spotting people's weights. Although the massive body builder who weighs 4 times as much as me tends to look slightly apprehensive when they press the instructor button for assistance and all 5 foot, 54kg of me rocks up to help them. You and me both, bro.
My main revelation here has been that fitness and health is definitely all relative. Back at the BBC I was easily one of the fitter and healthier employees - mainly because I knew where the gym was and didn't eat chips and Mars Bars every day from Rendez-Vu (ahem). I felt slim. I felt energetic. I felt SMUG. So coming to NZ and working full time in the fitness industry has been somewhat of a shock. I am no longer one of the super-fit and healthy people. Apparently - out here - my diet is shocking, I don't work out enough and I am carrying too much body fat. The other day I was on my break and sneaking some chocolate in the cafe when one of the personal trainers walked past and shouted 'OH MY GOD SHE'S EATING CHOCOLATE'. Everyone turned round. I felt like the rapist who'd suddenly been identified in a line up. You could have heard a tape measure drop. I am also (apparently) the only person who orders butter with their bran muffin and whole egg omelettes instead of egg whites only. And full fat milk in my flat white. Quite frankly, I'm surprised I'm still working there at all.
So in the name of Fitness and Keeping Up Appearances, I am going to have a - limited - go at the Paleo Diet. For the uninitiated this is essentially the caveman diet, removing most starchy carbs and dairy and essentially eating lots of meat and vegetables. So like any other protein rich diet really. But since apparently everyone at the gym is either doing Paleo or the Ketogenic Diet (look it up), I feel obliged to make some kind of effort. This means pain au chocolat are out, grapefruit and steak are in.
Dear Lord, what have I become?
I am also a lot less fit in NZ. Somewhere in that 31 hour trauma known as 'the flight', it seems my endurance and strength got sucked out of me and quite frankly I now struggle to get past the warm up. I'm sure body attack was never this hard in the UK. It may have something to do with the 100 degree heat of the studios. Apparently, in the southern hemisphere, air conditioning is for wimps. I've never wanted to throw up whilst exercising quite as much as I do here. This to the point where I actually did vomit into my mouth at the end of body combat last week. We were on stage doing the cool down. It was not a happy moment: 'Oh my god I can't throw up in front of 60 people...' So I did what any self respecting instructor does: I swallowed it and told my colleague. Who then told everyone in the class, loudly into his microphone: 'Sarah just threw up in her mouth'. Gratifyingly, they all looked impressed.
I'm telling you.... a different world.
Overheard at the Gym
'Yo is that a dude or a chick? I can't tell. Look at the jawline. He is oooooone ugly lady....'
